What every elegant woman needs to know.
It’s said you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
This saying evokes a very final scenario, one where the winner takes all and the loser is left without even a glimmer of hope. Normally, we hear it in reference to a first impression where we have already lost, with no chance of a comeback. Or, where we are reminded before an important meeting that the stakes are high and we had better somehow find a way to come through. A fate that will be irreversible, so we would believe, and in many ways, out of our hands.
However, the first impression does not have to be the last chance. And in any case, there are plenty of ways in which we can stack the odds of a meeting in our favour. This particular statement raises some important points about power and success that I wanted to explore. The above assertion ‘you never get a second chance…’ can be both true and false. Let’s have a look:
‘First impression’ itself refers to what another person perceives about us from their first point of contact with us. For better or worse, others will make their judgement of us based on what we show them. The way we look, the manner in which we speak, the way we carry ourselves, the amount of confidence we display, the way in which we present ourselves, and our physical behaviours, all contribute to the way in which others view us, and the way in which they will react to us and behave towards us.
Of course, it’s normal that human beings will look for ways to categorise one another. And we will make this categorisation based on the information that’s available, whether we are able to articulate the markers, or whether they are something more subtle or even subconscious.
It’s easy to agree that in a one-off meeting, the other side will form their opinion of us based on what they see. And with no other input, this opinion will last. So, if our behaviour is not correct, or somehow inappropriate, the first impression will be negatively impactful.
‘One-off’ meetings may include the following scenarios:
Clearly, there are many scenarios where the first impression can have a lasting effect on our lives.
But the statement ‘you never get a second chance…’ is not complete, as it fails to take into account a very important category of scenarios. They are the scenarios that we repeat regularly. For example:
In this way, each day, or several times in a day, we get a brand new chance to make a ‘first’ impression. And it’s in our power to make that whatever kind of impression we choose. We may think we can’t change too much because other people won’t ‘let’ us move on. This is also not true.
Even if we were to choose today to be a completely new personality, adopt a new style, new personal habits, behaviours and so on, others would likely accept it easily. And we would start benefitting from the perks of the new, successful ‘first’ impression that we are giving, straightaway.
When we choose to speak success with our presence, the first impression we make in the important one-off meetings, will also be immediately elevated. In implementing what I am about to show you below, you can expect to improve the following:
Assuming all goes well, often a second meeting will follow the first. And now, the other person will be subconsciously checking for consistency, to see if you are really the successful, confident, put-together person that they met previously. This goes for the professional world, and also for social scenarios like friendship and dating. We may manage to come across successfully on one occasion, but over time, our real character will emerge, and any vulnerabilities will be exposed. This is why it’s so important to practise and to continually develop ourselves. The below advice will help you to master that.
So, what are these habits we can adopt to ensure our presence speaks success, with both acquaintances and strangers, everywhere we go?
1. Presentation.
Personal presentation incorporates clothing, accessories and personal grooming.
Are you appropriately dressed for the occasion?
Do you remember the opening credits of tv series Desperate Housewives, where the housewives were doing the gardening wearing ballgowns? We understood that these women were sophisticated, discerning and also competitive, in that they were attempting to outdo each other even when working in the garden. Even though we knew the level of dress was an exaggeration, it still reinforced the message that being sophisticated and upleveling one’s life invariably meant dressing up, and competing with those around us. There is an important etiquette point to be taken on here. Elegance is not about wearing designer clothing, nor about wearing your very best clothes even at a casual moment. Neither is it elegant to have the attitude that one should be better than the rest.
Rather, having good etiquette in this context simply means that we should be dressed appropriately for the occasion. So, whether the occasion calls for hiking boots, white tie, or fancy dress, it is our job to understand the requirements and to meet them. When we want to raise our level, it is normally not advisable to wear clothing belonging to a more formal dress code. Rather, we can improve our look by selecting higher quality and more beautiful fabrics, a tailored cut, or more elegant colours.
Whatever the dress code, we can meet it with our own flair, so when we enter the room, we already have others’ attention and respect.
Perfect fit and condition
Now, the outfit that is right for the occasion will only be right if it fits correctly, and if it is clean and pressed. Think pristine, smooth, photo-ready. You might consider having your trousers, shirts, blazers and dresses tailored for you. With correctly fitting clothes, you will look instantly slimmer, and more elegant and put-together.
Similarly, our accessories contribute a lot to our appearance. Well-chosen, and appropriate accessories have the power to turn a promising outfit into an elegant and powerful one.
Personal grooming
The last point in our appearance is on personal grooming. I really enjoy looking through photos of celebrity and famous women and seeing how much of an impact great personal grooming can have. One of my favourite examples of this is Catherine, Princess of Wales. She is always immaculate, and that means her hair, makeup, eyebrows, teeth, skin, nails are perfectly cared for.
When the Princess of Wales wears a dress that was bought in the Zara sale, her PR team makes sure that we know about it. The news is normally received with surprise that someone of her status shouldn’t have to turn to the high street to find something to wear. But here’s the thing: when your grooming is impeccable, you can wear well-chosen pieces from high street labels, you can wear near whatever you want, and you will look fantastic. Like when you go shopping after getting your hair done and practically everything you try on looks great.
Personal grooming may arguably be the most important of the clothing-accessories-grooming trio.
Personal presentation is the founding element in our journey in speaking success with our presence. If we look put-together, people will assume that we are successful, and they will want to hire us, work with us, and be around us socially. Now, to really set off your look and elevate the impression you are making, there are a few things to add to great personal presentation. Let’s move on to the next.
2. Deportment.
Deportment means the way in which we carry ourselves. Including standing, walking, sitting, going up and down stairs: basically any movement we make and the way in which we position and hold ourselves when we are still.
Deportment is difficult to teach from a written post, as it is unique to the individual and therefore best worked on with a trainer. I love teaching it as I feel it’s one of the fastest and most effective ways for a woman to lift her presence and confidence to a higher level. I have given entire courses on the sole subject of deportment. However, within the context of this written post, I can give some pointers to help your posture, that you can put into practice straightaway.
Do you ever study your own posture in photos? Or catch a glimpse of your reflection in a shop window as you walk along the street? Do you see yourself standing and walking tall, or slouching a little (or a lot)? Standing straight will help you to look taller, more balanced, more confident and assured. It will even make your clothes look better. When you are standing tall, you look successful and people around you somehow understand that they need to treat you well.
3. Speech.
Now, we’re beautifully presented and composed, and it’s time to say something… the way we speak and what we say has a huge impact on the impression we give to others. Again, one person’s starting point, exact issues and desired outcomes will be different from another’s, so it is best worked on with a coach, but there are a few things I can suggest that anyone can take on to instantly appear more confident and powerful.
The first is that negativity is a downer, to yourself and to those around you. That’s not to say that we have to suppress ourselves and our experiences to have good etiquette. The key is knowing when it is appropriate to say something, how much to say, and to whom. It is extremely difficult to come across as successful or powerful when speaking negatively with someone we hardly know. Instead, we risk coming across as attention-seeking and emotionally immature. We are perceived as more powerful when we are able to see the bright side. In times when we must give a negative opinion or complaint, then we can say it with kindness and grace.
Consider also the speed at which you speak and the tone of your voice. Speak more slowly to assert yourself as confident and authoritative. Practise having the tone and pitch of your voice match the message you want to convey.
4. Confidence.
Many people lack confidence to be themselves around people they don’t know well. There may be a number of reasons for this, but quite likely, it is because they are unsure of what exactly to say or do. In all scenarios, they hide and wait for someone else to take the lead. The successful person is the one who takes the lead. This can be you.
Let’s come back to the royals for a moment. They are a great example of people who clearly have very interesting lives, and they know that everyone wants to meet them. Yet, what people who have met royalty very consistently say is that they felt as though the royal was delighted to meet them.
I read an account of one man who said that it felt as though the prince (it was Prince Charles) had been waiting his whole life to meet him. Prince Charles found this man interesting and wanted to hear what he had to say. When you do the same, people will sense your self-confidence and perceive you as having a powerful presence. And when the opportunity presents itself for you to share a great anecdote with just that one person, or with a group, then please do so. It shows confidence on your part, they will feel honoured that you shared your story with them, and in turn will think more highly of you.
Another place that lack of confidence can show up, is when we need to ask for something that we want, or are due, and we resist. This is another situation when knowledge of etiquette helps enormously, as no matter your reasons for not wanting to ask, the fact is that when you know you are entitled to something – including being entitled to a certain good level of treatment by others – you can ask for it graciously and expect to receive it.
5. Our attitude.
Often in society, we have the impression that the very important people are untouchable and we (or they) sometimes have the expectation that they are above the rest. It goes something like this: “I am more successful that you, so you will show me respect. You are less successful than me, so I don’t have to do the same.”
Unfortunately, there are people who do behave this way, and you may know them, whether at work, or socially. But it is not correct. It is very bad etiquette and actually something we will not see at the highest levels of society. When such people get around true VIPs, the true VIPs will immediately see through them.
True VIPs will show the utmost respect to others. One of my favourite examples is a story that former Formula One world champion Sir Jackie Stewart tells in his autobiography, Winning is Not Enough. He describes how, on one occasion, he give the King of Jordan a tour of the pit lane at one of the tracks.
Sir Jackie said it took forever, because the national anthems had started playing, so they would walk a little, and when an anthem started, the King would stand absolutely still and straight, arms by his side, for its entirety, out of respect for that country. Then the anthem would finish and they would resume the tour, and another one would start and they would stop again and stand for that anthem, and so on.
From Sir Jackie’s account, most people who toured the pit lanes were preoccupied with the cars and not paying attention to the music playing in the ‘background.’ Yet who was the man respecting every single anthem – not the lowest social status person there, but the highest. This is the attitude that true VIPs will have towards others.
6. Physical habits.
There are many tell-tale physical habits that will reveal someone’s social status and/or education. For a woman who wants to appear more serene, graceful and confident, and yes, successful and powerful, then the number one thing I will say is to not fidget. Your clothing, hair, makeup and so on will have been fixed in private. When in public, leave it all alone. Public primping comes across as vain and insecure and is not the way to speak success to those around us. And having hands covering the face and mouth (even just partially, even intermittently), is not an elegant look, and it makes it harder for people to follow what you are saying.
Try looking out for this in video footage of celebrity interviews. The ones with media training will sit still and not move their hands, except to enhance their speech. Their feet will be still. You’ll notice they come across as confident and authoritative.
This advice goes for any public situation, whether you are with company or not. For when in public, you are never truly alone, as people all around can see you and see everything you are doing. You are their view. And anyway, there is always the possibility that the person you are meeting might spot you before you see them. If you want to come across powerfully, better to be sitting calmly when they see you, rather than doing last minute touch-ups on your makeup or trying to coax your hair into shape.
I encourage you to test the above advice and see what it changes for you. I’ve shown some of the ways in which we can positively influence others, simply by making adjustments in our own behaviour or habits. This is one of the most intriguing points about both power and success: it’s in our own hands to be powerful, and to present ourselves as successful. And therefore we will be treated as such. Following the above advice will help us to grow into the successful person that we want to present to the world. This applies equally to the most sophisticated and experienced among us, as to the student or recent graduate. All can make progress, all can strive for excellence, all can benefit from developing their character.
So, whether it’s the first time you are meeting someone or the thirteenth, today you can start speaking success by your presence in every scenario. You may practise by trying the above out for yourself, then analysing and refining for next time, and also by observing others. Once we know what to look out for, we can learn a lot from other people.
I would love to hear which of the points you will adopt for yourself and why. Feel free to write to me here. Thank you for reading and I look forward to seeing you in the next article.